The beginning of the end

do i need to learn to live without you?
....am not terribly sure i can.

hmmmm

venus-trap speaks..

fateful Saturday 22nd, 2004.

a little prelude...
this is bout trouble with my bestest friend ever.
i've known him for close to four years.
i'm not too sure my relationship with him was/is in the 'platonic friends' zone...
he says he is in love with me... n though my head questions it... my heart believes him..implictly.
i've confided secrets which no other living soul knows. for that matter dead either.
he is THE closest friend i've had.ever.
he is the one person who has managed the miracle of making me feel incredibly loved.
i never said 'yes' to him.
he is the closest i've come to being in romantic love.

* K = HIM, whokay? (hitman)
* N = someone he is incredibly jealous of.

previous episode
he was rude with me... shouted n screamed at me over something trivial... n in general behaved like an ass... felt really guilty.
guilty over hurting me.
he was sooo hurt for hurtin me he decided to stop talking to me!
why?
him : cause whenever i talk to you/am around you.. i just hurt you more
me : don't you realise you hurt me everytime you 'leave' me?
him: yes, but that is a one time hurt, right? when i'm there in your life i go on hurting you. so cumilativly i hurt u more when i'm in your life right?"
me : WRONG!! if on a scale of one to ten you hurt me say 5 for everyday u r in my life... u hurt me 12 for every day u have left me!!! so cumilatively also leaving me is worse. much worse.
some more back n forth... then
him : i've learnt my lesson.. i was a foolish child..please forgive me.. i'll never, EVER, leave you again. no matter what
u know i can't live without you...
- all this was said on 21 friday.

current situation
22 Saturday
well, ma wasn't well and needed to be admitted urgently to a hospital.. the only person i could think of msging was him. did. at in the evening.. (at 6 in the evening)
got no call... not even a reply.. nothing.
my younger 'sis' (an angel really!) just happened to call up... n my friend who had the cell with her, told her to inform K and ask him to come down if he could.. she readily agreed...
she called back a min later telling me she had just spoken with K and he had asked her to call me back n tell me that he can't call right then as his cell didn't have much battery n he was at the doctors place as his parents were having the flu due to weather change (his parents don't normally live here)...n he would call when he got home... this is at around 6.30...
he doesn't call till nearly 10 at night!
when he called initially i was a lil cold.. when asked what took him so long he says he was cooking for his parents n then put them to sleep et all...
i felt like callin me was the least important thing on his agenda... after he finished off all the really important things if there was any time he called :"( ...u have to also know he is the sorts who will call at all odd hours ..even when i'm out with others..friends.. family.. even work! n expect my attention.. n get it. so i felt a lil neglected..
still i decided not to make too big a deal bout it and let it slide.. i had plenty on my mind as it is..
then he startin stuff like how much he loves me..
...n i replied in a rather sad voice "then why doesn't it ever feel like that?" ...he says "its just circumstances sweetheart" ...i was being difficult... i was upset n i wanted a little attention from the person who constantly claims his world begins n ends with me "i'm alive only when u r there in my life.. otherwise i am just existing. that too barely"
i tell him i can't buy he couldn't find a single min to call me up from 6 to 10!! "...even before cookin u could have called me for a second n told me 'hey, i just got back... i can't really talk much right now.. i'll call as soon as i'm free.. hug' - even that much would have been great. but no. nothing. :|
then i did the assinine thing of mentioning Mr.N. ...last time i was stuck in an hospital he was so THERE for me.. i go... "i miss N".
next thing i can hear is the phone being banged down..
he immediately calls back n says "yes, you were tellin me bout N" ..i ask him why he had hung up.. he first tries to tell me he hadn't hung up...when i tell him i heard him bang the phone he says "i just got jealous.. go on.. tell me bout N" ..i say "there is nothing to tell... just that i miss being special to someone"
he makes some excuses of having to go to study.. n hangs up.. then sends me a text msg saying "i hate you" ... i reply saying "thanks. just what i needed right now" ...he doesn't even bother replying..
he hears the words i miss being special ... but doesn't really LISTEN to what i'm saying...
he doesn't realise i'm missing being special TO HIM. K made me feel much, much, MUCH more special then N could ever hope to! (infact N knew K was much closer to me... n had to live with that fact) i miss being important enough to him to sit outside movie halls in the heat of the middle east when his friends were watch movies in air-conditioned halls...so that he could save up the money his dad had given him to buy me luxuries of life like cool waters! - cause i didn't want him wastin his dad's money on me! - money i've saved is like money i've earned right?!he was supposed to come over the next day (23 sun) since he wasn't able to make it on 22... n i'd make a sarci remark saying "i dunno whether you'll want to come.. i'm not going to be much fun... n i'm deffinately not comin for a movie or italian food!" ...he is really sweet and doesn't take umbrage and says "just tell me which hospital... i'll be there"

after the message where he told me he hates me, he neither messaged nor called. forget come n see me & ma.
ma... he used to call her mom(amma actually) ...he used to tell me even if nothing worked out between us he'd still consider my parents as his own!!
he n ma were(are? cause she is not the least bit upset with him! to her, he is still her 'son') pretty close...n she was in a hospital for a serious operation... he doesn't even bother to check on her!forget help her.. not even a courtesy call... nothing.

my younger sis (not blood relation) who is his younger sis too.. speak with him n he tells her "no i'm not calling her. i'm always going to be second best to her. i can never compare to N"

no messages, no calls, no nothing. for all appearance it looks like he couldn't give a damn whether i was alive or dead!!

then on 27th may (or LATE 26th - 1:30 at night) he sends me a msg saying
"i'm sorry for being so insensitive at this point in time.. i'm sorry i hurt you so much.. i'm sorry i'm being a jerk.. i'm sorry i'm not there for you, with you"

...i honestly dunno what to say. "i'm sorry i'm being a jerk"?? - present continous tense??
what was he telling me? "i know i'm being a jerk, but u r just not important enough for me to stop?"
what? what K, what? (cause i just KNOW you are going to read this sometime. had actually written one of them letterz that i write but never give you..)

he used to keep harping on N when we were talking n i'd told him atleast a gazillion times, he means more to me then N ever did. then any friend ever did. then anyone ever did.

is missing someone other then him a crime? how many times have i been there for him when he was missin someone else? why does he assume he is capable of caring about more then one person, but i am not? why is it a number game? why do i have to constantly prove he is important to me? why, WHY, WHY, is he ready to abandon me at the slightest/trivialest excuse? despite PROMISING me he won't?

why do i mean so little to him despite his claim that i'm his whole world?
why will he not believe me when i say he means more to me then N ever did or will, when i've _NEVER_ ever lied?
why can't he be the sorts who says to himself 'ok, she misses N?..he made her feel special by being there for her over long distance phone?? well, i'm here in person i'm going to be so THERE for her that when ever she is upset/in need, she will think of only me!!'
why can he NEVER, ever, swallow his ego n foolish pride n be the first to call up... especially since he is the one who is always leaving!?
why can't he be the sorts to get me a big bunch of flowers n turn up at my doorstep n say 'SUPRISE!'
why can't his words translate into actions?
why, WHY, does he say he can't live without me... n then go on to prove what a big whopper that is!? he has changed his pwds again. he has broken his promise to me bout NEVER smoking again, no matter what.

why can he not see he made me feel much, much, MUCH more special then N could ever hope to!

why can he live happily without me?

why can i not live without him?

it sure doesn't feel like i can.

one of my best friends from school came over today (for like one hour! she travelled for atleast 3 hours to be able to be able to spend that one hour with me!)...n though she had come over to see ma 99% of the time was spent locked up in my room discussing this (one look at me n she tried to force feed me... i couldn't keep it down n threw up)
she asked me why won't i call up.. each time he LEAVES me, i call up.. i'm beginning to feel like i'm forcing myself on him. if he wants to leave me so badly that he is cooking up reasons then maybe i should give him his freedom eh?
...maybe its not that... maybe he just didn't want to give me his laptop for a whole month??
....maybe...ummm...maybe it has a lil something to do with the way i look? he once told me "i want u to join VLCC (a sliming clinic) before my parents meet u (his parents have NEVER met me)" ...n i haven't lost any weight. if anything i've put on some more. :o(
...maybe he is just embrassed by me and his leaving me YET AGAIN is my punishment for not losing weight?
this hurts more,way MORE, then the notion bout him being jealous over N, but is more logical. n he knows i need to find logic in everything.

and..

why can he not see he made me feel much, much, MUCH more special then N could ever hope to!

there is a song which says it all for me "Nothing compares... nothing compares....i said nothing compares to you"

-------
6/28/04
Hi Sweetheart,
I am sorry for not writing this mail earlier but here is my long promised email about N*****.
I think he is a very nice guy who cares deeply about you. But I think also he is immature, insensitive to your feelings many times and ethically challenged (which is a nice way of saying he doesn't have integrity). Yes, I know that you only tell me the bad things etc. etc. but the bad things are quite bad. Not calling you to be there for you when your mom is ill shows a person who cannot be depended upon. Say you do marry him and you guys have a fight. At that point, you get some bad news, job wise or other family wise, can you depend on him to help you, to be there for you? I can't. Can you always trust him to be faithful to you? I don't think so, definitely not after the latest episode.
I think the main problem is that you both are very different personality types. You taken most things seriously while he due to his personality type plus due to the fact of being a guy takes every thing very, very lightly. Couples will always have disagreements. How you deal with them is the key to whether you should be together or not. In the last four years, whatever I have seen of your fights gives me no hope of your ever being happy together. His indifference to things that matter to you will be unbearable.
All in all, I think that he is the wong guy for you because he is (a) immature (b) ethically not strong (c) character-wise is not right (d) very different personality type (e) last and least, I on't think he is the right guy for you! :)